Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Epicureous Epitaphs

Epicureous Epitaphs

In the last few months I have felt compelled to reassess my life.  When contemplating my greatest accomplishments and pondering how I would wish to be remembered I keep turning to desserts.  No, they are not my greatest accomplishments by far.  No, they are not necessarily how I would like to be remembered (although they are high on my list.)  Rather, I have come to realize that my whole life is wrapped in food.  In celebratory food and in sympathetic food.  I cook when I am happy and cook when I am sad and cook and bake at all times in between.  The most joyous times in my life have an element of food (when my son Nick was born, the apple juice that I finally got to drink was like ambrosia) and the saddest moments in my life have held consolation in food (warm tapioca in the darkness of my closet as I wondered if I could really be a single mom.)

As an English teacher, I always like to challenge my students to write their own epitaphs.  To describe how they would be remembered…to live their life in ways that hold true to this final message.

Taking a page from my own teaching album, I have decided to take a crack at my own.  It has proven harder than I thought.  Sorry former students…this is a tough assignment.

A million years ago…back in the 1970s, the world was graced with a little girl who would go on to do small things in a big way.  Kris spent her life doing everyday things with great joy.  She didn’t really come into her own until her 30s but once she did, watch out world!!!  Kris enjoyed writing and reading and the breeze on her face and the grass under her toes.  She definitely did NOT enjoy sweating and so she was not the tiniest of small people but her heart was as large as her waistline (something not everyone can say.)  She loved with true abandon and her children and her partner were her truest loves in life. 

That is as far as I got before I had to make cupcakes
The filled kind
The kind my aunt Jayne made

My aunt Jayne was one of the best bakers I have ever met.  When she made a dessert, the heavens open, angel choirs sang and trumpets heralded its arrival.  She was soft spoken and kind to a fault.  I used to babysit my cousins for her when they were small and she would always bring me back presents from whatever vacation they happened to go on.  I found a coral flower she had brought back, on a tiny delicate chain and when I had my own daughter, I put it in a box and set it aside for her.  The last time I spoke to my aunt Jayne, I told her I had found the necklace and set it aside for Finn.  In true Jayne fashion, she told me “oh Kris, that old thing…you need to get her something nicer.”  I miss you Jayne and I wish I would have spent more time telling you how terrific I truly thought you were.

Jayne’s Filled Cupcakes
4 eggs
1 cup sugar
1 stick butter
1 cup flour
1 can (16oz) Hershey syrup

blend all together and add to cupcake liners in cupcake tin, fill 1/3 way full

1 8oz cream cheese
1/3 cup sugar
1 cup coconut
1 egg
6oz mini chocolate cips

Mix together until smoothish and drop 1 tbsp into each cupcake spot

Bake at 350 for 20-25 mins

While cupcakes are cooking and cooling mix:
1 cup sugar
¼ cup butter
1/3 cup milk
Blend all together and add 1/3 cup choc chips 
Cook over med low heat and keep stirring until thickened…spoon ganache over cupcakes and let cool


Friday, June 17, 2011

still no desserts tonight...maybe tomorrow

No desserts tonight...maybe tomorrow

Tonight I am sad

Finn has lost more words.  She is good at echoing, which apparently is not a good thing.  She is losing more and more words.  We lost Daddy again.  Tonight we lost Ick (her name for Nick) he is now just a grunt.  I am afraid.  I am afraid this autism monster and this epilepsy monster will rob us of her.

Sometimes I watch parts of her disappear.  She always manages to come back but what it...what happens when she can't?

Right now we are SMRTing her...labeling her disabled so she can qualify for grants and services that Cori and I cannot afford on our own.  Things she needs to help her reach her full potential.  Of course with this government shut-down looming on the horizon, those processes will also screech to a halt and the already slow process will stop.


our window of opportunity that is already small and closing everyday will continue to grow smaller as the stupid government squabbles over who is better; democrats or republicans, while my darling daughter loses more words and drifts in and out of her own world and there is nothing I can do to change it.

it sucks


tonight I didn't make dessert

tomorrow maybe

tonight I wonder how we will pay our bills (my job is government and so is Cori's and my new job doesn't start until August) and how we will keep Finn in our world and how I will coax the words from inside her

tomorrow I will make cookies to help celebrate father's day
I will hope that Finn's ability to say Daddy comes back
so that on Father's day
Cori will be called Daddy once again