no dessert

No dessert...I mean, I have made some but this blog post isn't about that
well
not really

maybe it is

I haven't written it in my head yet so I am not sure

I didn't want to make a blog about Finn and the struggles we face but maybe it is good to do that...maybe it is a release that needs to happen.  I don't know.  This is all new territory for me.  It's like running in the dark, with scissors, through the woods, with some sort of monster chasing me.

Finn has epilepsy.
Finn has autism

My beautiful baby, they now believe (although "now" is the word of the moment with the doctors) they now believe she was most likely seizing since birth...small seizures not readily noticeable but there...lurking like some sort of monster only in the broad daylight.  These seizures caused small electrical storms in her brain.  Although small might be a relative term there.  They know these give her migraine headaches.

Anyone have migraines???  I do and I can't imagine my tiny baby having debilitating headaches already...shouldn't she have to have her own children before those start??? :)

She has epilepsy.  It's official.  They had been using "suspected epilepsy disorder" but now it is official.  Epilepsy.

I threw myself into epilepsy advocacy.  Finding a cure, joining support groups.  I could do this.  We could do this.  We can give her her medication, time her seizures, track them on charts, bring them to appointments, travel 5 1/2 hours one way to see her neurologists, do blood work.  I could do this.  It was hard but I was determined.  I read books.  Lots of books.  I googled any and everything to do with epilepsy.  I was informed, knew the right phrases, spoke with authority.  I am a good advocate.

Finn has autism.
It's official.  The initial testing was done by the behaviorist who decided more testing was necessary.  More testing was done by the speech therapist and a behavioral psychologist.  There is no denying it.  There is no "maybe it's just some behaviors."  It's a full-blown, 5 alarm diagnosis.  The recommendation is 40 hours a week of intensive therapy.  40 hours.  Keep in mind she is 23 months old.  She still takes naps people.  Not to mention the nearest therapist in the therapy they suggest is 75 miles one-way away.

So...
We have therapy for epilepsy and therapy for autism.  When will I get to SEE Finn?  When does she get to be a baby.  She still is a baby.  My baby in fact.

and

she is brilliant

She can concentrate on her blocks for hours...stacking and stacking.  She knows how to turn the TV off and on and change the settings to make sure her movie is in and playing.  I can't get that right all the time yet.  She can unlock our front door!!!

She likes to lick things too...it is her newest fascination.  She licks her fingers, the dog, her food before eating, her fingers (again...she chews on them too) the windows, strangers.  She licks.  Her little soft tongue is always tasting.  I think she can sense people's moods by the taste they give off.  Of course, that is just my theory. :)

She likes to read and will eagerly pull books and climb into laps for a read.  She likes marshmallows and chips and her newest interest is Sommies (Zombies...ask Cori.)  She is fascinated in figuring out how everything works and would gladly take apart anything she can get her hands on and then put it back together.

Our house is filled with sensory toys and materials...bubbles and weighted everything...Velcro attached to crazy places, chewies and pull toys.  Boxes filled with packing peanuts and pringles cans with dried beans.  Baggies with oozy gel and noise, musical toys.  Finn loves music.  She sings all her words.  She can keep beat to the music and will stop everything to listen to Jack's Big Music Show.

We have sign language DVDs to help her communicate...to try to lessen the frustration that causes her to chew her arms and beat her head.

We keep to schedules and introduce things slowly to try to minimize the melt-downs.
We play outside but only at grassy parks...the paved ones are too risky with seizures.
We swim...like fish...as often as we can.  Finn can swim....I am convinced she is headed for the Olympics.

Nick and Dylan are so patient.  More patient than I ever was with my younger brothers.  They dote on her and work with her and she learns more from them than any of the therapists.

I wish I could do more for them...the guilt consumes me...all the time and therapy and expense for Finn leaves little for them.  Like the leftovers.  That isn't fair.  I don't know how to change it...how to correct it.  How can I give 100% to everyone????

I hear that is a regular feeling...that guilt.
I hate it.

ummmmmmmmmmmmmm
I guess there was no dessert in this one

although I hear those Starbucks coconut mochas are pretty tasty!!!  :)

Thank you (and chocolate chip cookie covered oreos)

            I sometimes lie awake at night and worry.  Well, let’s be honest here, I mostly lie awake in bed at night and worry.  I worry about EVERYTHING…you name it, I have worried about it.  I have always been this way and after having children I was infinitely worse.  I would lay in bed and worry about colds, school dances, the right clothes, grades, friends, no friends, cars, video games and how they influence them, athletic uniforms…the list seemed endless.

            And then, I got pregnant with Finn.  Holy moly did I worry.  My pregnancy was rough and I was old and overweight and diabetic and I worried like an Olympic Gold Medal Champion.  Every second was spent in a state of worry and guilt about not worrying enough. 

            And then she was born.  I couldn’t sleep for worrying.  And I knew something was wrong, something was off.  I just KNEW…how a mother knows.  In that spot in my soul that is all instinct.  Doctors weren’t too sure.  They didn’t worry like I did so they weren’t sure.  Something was off, they would say, but don’t worry….it’s most likely nothing.  Don’t worry. 

            And then there was something wrong.  Labels and everything.  Epilepsy.  PDD.  All those labels and testing for everything.  Things I didn’t know existed and the testing continues and I worry.

            Shockingly, though, I worry less.  My worries are now specific.  I worry about medicine (will she take it all or will it be a fight), I worry about side effects (will she get too hot outside) I worry about skills (will she lose them in the next round of seizures.)  All specific worries…real worries, I guess they would be…a lot different than the abstract “what if” worries of before.

            In the middle of all these worries, I have achieved a calm.  Sometimes I really even do sleep through the whole night.  Because I have been given a gift.

The gift of seeing miracles. 

Everyday, I get to see miracles!!!  I wake up and I am excited to see which miracle is in store for the day.  My older son runs…he runs well…what a miracle that he can walk and that his gazelle legs move him fluidly through the universe.  What a gift that I can watch that…so I take the time to see, to watch, my son run like the wind.  My youngest son can name every video game known to man and can master video game techniques in seconds.  What a miracle that his brain makes all those connections and when his brain makes the connections, his hands move.  What a gift that I can see that process…so I take time to listen to him explain how to move this guy this way so he can climb a wall and escape.  My daughter, my baby girl.  What a miracle.  She has given me the gift of friends…far and wide, spanning the globe.  Her mere presence has influenced the lives of people we have never even met.  What a gift that she has chosen to bring me along for the ride…so ride I do.  I connect with other moms and dads and grandma’s and grandpa’s who have a similar gift.  That gift of seeing miracles.  And then, they share their miracles with me!!! I am privy to hundreds of miracles everyday, all day.  Potty training and words and walking and crawling and eating and smiling…miracles, all day long. 

            I am so blessed.

            Thank you

            Thank you for sharing your miracles with me and for reminding me of all the blessings, all the gifts that I have been given. 

And mostly, thank you for reminding me of the gift of seeing miracles.

now on to the recipe
these are shockingly good.  I am not an oreo fan so I believe if you are, they may even be better....

I am going to try those blonde oreo cookies maybe in a peanut butter cookie recipe later....I will let you know how that turns out...but my mouth is sort of watering in anticipation already.

OK...
take your favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe.
I just used a standard one

2 sticks softened butter
1 cup sugar
3/4 packed brown sugar
(cream together...I used my food processor as my beaters are kaput and I love my food processor)
2 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla (don't use that imitation stuff...just splurge and buy a bottle of the real stuff already)
(blend these together)
3 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
(blend together...when using the food processor, scrape down the sides before adding the flour and then pulse until it looks all blended...10 -12 pulses)
1 10oz bag of chocolate chips (I stir these in sep in the food processor because otherwise they sometimes get a little ground up)

so your cookie dough is made

open you package of double stuff oreos (or whatever kind you fancy...I saw those mint ones and thought they might be good too)

take about a tablespoon's worth of dough and plop it in your floured (very important...I learned my lesson afte rthe messy 1st batch to flour my hands)hand...flatten it a bit and put your oreo cookie in the center. 

squish the dough up the sides of the cookie as best you can and place another tablespoon on top of the oreo and do the same thing....basically, you are taking two chocolate chip cookies and wrapping them around an oreo.

I used the airpans (those air pocketed cookie sheets...thank you Jake....they have proven to be an awesome Christmas present)and baked at 350 for about 14 mins.  If you like them softish, this should be great.  I like them a little firmer so I put them back in for another 3 mins or so. 

let them sit on the pan for at least 5 mins before transferring them to a wire cookie rack

the recipe makes about 2 dozen giant cookies.

and they are delicioius.

they disappeared before I could get pictures (fancy that) but I am pretty sure you can google them since I know I am not the ONLY one to have thought of this business.

but

I am thinking peanut butter chocolate chip with the golden oreos in the center may just about be nirvana!!!

Holy skipping months!!!

so much for the shaming me into writing, huh?

Ugh...I am such a procrastinator...all the excuses in the world add up to just that...excuses.  Time to roll up my sleeves and just dig in.

I have some great pictures of the last couple of batches of cookies we made and this week a package should be getting sent out with a few dozen more.  Stay Safe Amber!!!

I am also working on making onesies and capes for Finneroo and her BFF Juniebird (I love that baby)

Roobird and Juniebird were roommates over a year ago, at Children's Hospital...7940 represent!!!  :)  (that was my attempt at being hip...give me a break...I have only had one cup of coffee so far today and it was a long, rough night) 

ANYHOO

Finn and June will be going to the state capital for Epilepsy Awareness day and they are bringing our families along.  We get to go talk to our senator and representative about the effects that epilepsy has had on our lives.  I made a little handout to give to them with some pictures of my chooch and some of the things we have gone through.

So...onesies with purple butterflies (the epilepsy symbol) with purple ribbons (our color) and super hero purple capes....those are what is on the agenda this weekend.

Speaking of the Bird...aunt Amber got us an amazing thing called an emfit movement monitor. We are so lucky to have it.  It is very expensive and not covered by insurance (why, I will never know) It detects all the seizure movements that Finn has when she sleeps.  I was shocked at how many we were missing and how much she seizes in her sleep.  It also alerts when she stops breathing (it detects an absence of movement as well) and that was lucky as I was able to go in and check when the alarm sounded and get her out of the crib and started breathing again.  SUDEP is a big worry for me so this helps me sleep a little better at night (ummmmmmmm when it's my turn anyway!!!)

Rooski is now topped out on Keppra and we are gradually adding Topomax to her cocktail.  The topomax has proven to be a little difficult to adjust to and we are seeing a lot of behaviors we didn't before.  We are working on her sensory issues and she just started drinking carnation instant breakfast in the morning so we can keep her weight up (topomax makes some kiddos not eat...Finn is one...she takes bites but 2 cheeseballs does not a meal make)


I promise to be better about this blogging and especially about posting recipes.

I made homemade cheesecake last week...HEAVEN...and with blueberries on top it was even better....yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Coooooooooooookies everywhere

So the cookie contest was this weekend
I really really really wanted to win
the grand prize was a gleaming red kitchen aid mixer
with the multi-sized bowls

I was praying for a blizzard because I could walk my cookies over but not everyone else could

no blizzard here

really cold but all the snow went to my family down south (sorry...I should have been more blizzard specific)

anyway, I didn't get the call so I doubt I won so maybe you don't even want these recipes but they are good

so good in fact that I didn't get pictures because they got eaten so I will be making more

possible pictures then but I am not promising anything

the first ones I made are a ball of wonderful chocolaty goodness with some caramel thrown in for good measure...
holy yum
and
i don't even LIKE cookies (well I do but I hate baking them...all the futziness makes me mental...I want to throw them all in at once and go from there)

the 2nd ones were a short bread concoction with caramel (and I added chocolate because how can THAT combo be bad) with some sea salt...yowza...those might be my favorite

in either case

here they are

Chocolatey caramel goodness

3 squares unsweetened chocolate
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar (I used homemade brown sugar) but the recipe calls for regular
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
2 cups finely chopped pecans

(then there is this caramel recipe but I used a different one because I had left overs from the shortbread cookies...who knows what this tastes like but I am including it in case you want to try)
14oz pack of caramels
2 tbsp milk
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate morsels

microwave choc square and butter until completely melted
stir in 1 cup sugar, egg, vanilla and then mix in the dry ingredients (really...these were the instructions...I mixed the dry ingredients in a separate bowl and then added them while mixing to the wet mixture)

refrigerate for at least 30 mins (I used this time to mix up the shortbread recipe and get that ready)

shape dough in 1 inch balls (I swear I did this but mine "may" have been bigger...you know...the bigger the better???) and roll in pecans

place on parchment paper covered cookie sheet 2 inches apart

make indent in dough with thumb (I almost pushed all the way through but they still flattened out when I baked them so upon taking out of oven, i pushed a little bouncy ball in the center to make a new divot...hey, it helps to be creative int he kitchen and we have a million of those stupid things floating around)

remove and cool on wire rack

I left them on the paper as they seemed a little gooey yet but firmed up on cooling (very grateful I used the parchment paper)

then when they are cool, you fill the indent with caramel and then cover with a drizzle of melted chocolate (if you are making the caramel from above, you melt the caramels with the milk in the microwave and then fill the centers, melt the chocolate and cover...this recipe was very pro-microwave)

onto the shortbread cookies

Salted Caramel Thumbprint Cookies

Makes 16 cookies  (Ummmmmm....I made a lot more as I made my cookies smaller...I measured and everything but apparently I made my square kind of thinner than it was supposed to be)

Shortbread Cookie recipe adapted from Barefoot Contessa
Caramel recipe taken from Salted Caramel Mousse by Trish Desseine
Cookies:
1 1/2 stick of unsalted butter, room temperature (I softened it in the microwave because I have that great softening button...I also used salted butter because really...who uses the unsalted kind besides fancy cooks)
1/2 cup of granulated sugar (I used brown sugar...what can I say, we just made a new batch and I love it)
1/2 teaspoon of pure vanilla extract
1 3/4 cup of all-purpose flour
1/8 teaspoon kosher salt
Caramel:
1/2 cup of granulated sugar
2 ½ tablespoons unsalted butter, room temperature
1/4 cup heavy whipping cream (I used 1/2 a cup because I am a dolt and didn't read the recipe right...it made caramel soup...which was fine because it firmed up later but made me cry a bit at the time)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
In an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, (I don't have that so I just used regular beaters...this is where winning that kitchen aid would have come in handy)cream together the butter and sugar until they are just combined and then add the vanilla. Separately, sift together the flour and salt. With the mixer on low speed, add the flour mixture to the creamed butter and sugar. (this is hard to do one handed...just letting you know)Mix until the dough starts to come together. Dump on a floured board and roll together into a flat square. (see...no thickness given...apparently mine was not thick enough but that just means there were more cookies and less guilt when eating them)Wrap in plastic and chill for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes, take out the fridge and cut into 1 1/4-inch squares.
Roll the dough into 1 1/4-inch balls. (If you have a scale they should each weigh 1 ounce...I don't have a scale so...there you go) Place the balls on an ungreased cookie sheet. (I covered mine with parchment paper after having been ecstatic that I did for the chocolate ones before) Hold the cookie steady with one hand and press a light indentation into the top of each with your finger.  Note: I actually poked a hole using a medicine dropper and then made it a little bigger by wiggling it since my cookies were too small to poke my finger into...that should have been my 1st clue) .  Bake for 10 to 15 minutes, until they’re just a little golden brown on the sides. Let them cool. While they’re cooling, make the caramel.

Combine the sugar and 2 tablespoons water in a medium saucepan. Do not stir. Cook over medium-high heat to a dark caramel, swirling as it begins to brown to distribute the sugar.  While the sugar and water are going at it, heat up the cream in a saucepan or microwave just until warm.

Take off the heat and add your room temperature butter.  Whisk the butter in, being sure it’s totally combined. Add your warmed cream and whisk vigorously.

By now your cookies should be cooled.  Spoon a teaspoon of warm caramel into the indentations of your cookies and top with sea salt. You can eat right away (the caramel will be goopy and wonderful), or let sit for 2 hours so the caramel sets. Fancy and fantastic!

I also added two chocolate chips in the indent of the cookie when they came out of the oven...then the caramel over the top and then a sprinkling of sea salt.  If you wait for a bit to put the salt on, the caramel won't melt it and it will look all crystally and pretty.

enjoy

Cookies Cookies Everywhere

Well...there were cookies cookies everywhere. 

The boys got a hold of them so now there are about 3 cookies left. 

Tonight I am going to attempt a version of a cake pop...have you seen those?  If not, you need to check out bakerella.com.   She is amazing and wonderful and full of fabulous ideas.

I am going to make my own version of the Christmas tree ones...only I am using spice cake, cream cheese frosting, white candy coating and coconut, tinted green.  I even bought little colored stars for on top of the tree.

I have a recipe that is a chocolate sugar cookie, rolled in nuts with a dip in the center that you fill with caramel and then cover the whole shebang with melted chocolate

I am also going to make Jake's Oreo balls (which sounds a lot more creepy than it really is)

and

the fanciest
most awesome
idea I have had in a long time

I am going to make mini pie cookies and then drizzle caramel over the top


pictures to follow

(maybe I won't make them ALL tonight)

some pie pictures

OK...here are some pictures of the delicious pie...the pictures don't do it justice though...not at all

this is the homemade brown sugar....I love brown sugar...it's my favorite cooking ingredient

mixing in the brown sugar

Finn testing the beaters....quality control you know!!!



these were pre-baked....still delicious but probably not all that safe to gobble up



she was pretty happy to help....love the new Dora apron...

imagine a giant
ooooozy
gooooooey
chocolatey goodness
on a flaky
delicious
crust


it was yummy

Finn "helped" this time and thoroughly enjoyed the taste testing portion (as you can see)


so

there is this cookie contest that I want to win
the grand prize is a kitchen aid mixer

I could never afford one of those...I mean, I work in social services/education and Cori is in law enforcement...we are lucky we can afford the ingredients to make the cookies with

but

I am not a patient cookie chef
really
not at all

like once all that mixing is done, I don't want to futz around with all the dropping them on the sheet and then checking them every 5 mins

basically, I am a lazy cook

so I am thinking of making chocolate chip pie cookies *like teeny versions of the pie
and
filled brownie bites
(you know...caramel, peanut butter, maybe coconut-cream cheese goodness) and then drizzle some chocolate ganache (how do you spell that?) on top with a nut or something like that


do you think those would count as cookies?

Haven't posted desserts in awhile

I haven't posted desserts in awhile.
I have been making them but not really writing about them.

I suck

but the pie recipe Sara sent me for Tollhouse pie was about heaven

holy smokes

This recipe is from the Eat, Drink, and Be Chinaberry cookbook, which may or may not still be available from www.chinaberry.com.  It is a collection of recipes collected from their readers.

2 eggs
1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 cup butter, melted and cooled to room temperature (NOTE: I use 2 Tablespoons less than 1 cup; it makes the pie less greasy)
1 cup semi sweet chocolate chips (NOTE: I use 1 1/2 to 2 cups of chocolate chips because I don't include nuts in my pies)
1 cup chopped nuts (pecans or walnuts work well)

In large bowl, beat eggs until foamy.  Beat in flour and sugars until well blended.  Add melted butter and blend.  Stir in chips and nuts.  Pour into unbaked 9-inch pie shell (I usually just use a Pillsbury one, but you could make your own if you have that sort of motivation).  Bake 1 hour at 325 degrees F.  Serve warm with ice cream.


Thank you Sara Robbinson-Coolidge.  I made two and they were gone before I could lick the beaters....ok, not really but you get the drift.

I made my own dark brown sugar (3oz of molasses to 1 pound sugar....blend in a food processor until combined) cheaper and tastier than store bought.  And I made two pies (since I make my own and each bag is good for 1 double crust pie) and I most likely used more chocolate chips than I ought to have.

At any rate....

I had to cook the pies for about 1 hour and 35 mins or so.  The top was nice and crusty but the inside was gooey...I cooked it until a toothpick came out wet but not full of dough.

delicious


I need some cookie ideas...cookies aren't my thing but I want to win a contest.  And I have to make cookies....ready for taste testing all my former students in college????

yikes