proud mom

I am a proud mom

Son#1 made a mistake.  Son#1 copped an attitude when called on the mistake.  Son#1 needed to suck it up and pay for said mistake and learn from it (please)

and he did

suck it up I mean

and he took it

the extra punishments that Babycakes and I doled out onto him

without attitude

and

just one tiny bit of eyerolling

:)

Cream Cheese croissant bars

2 packages of refrigerator croissants

2 8oz packages of cream cheese

3/4 cup sugar

1 tsp vanilla

1/2 cup melted butter

1/4 cup sugar

around 1 tbsp cinnamon

heat oven to 350 

spray cake pan with nonstick spray (or butter it or crisco it or however you non-stick it)

layer one can of croissant rolls on sprayed pan (don't take the rolls apart, just try to unroll it all in one sheet.  For awhile, they made nonperforated croissant rolls but I am not sure if they still do..they worked AWESOME)

blend:

cream cheese

sugar

vanilla

until smooth

layer onto croissants

add next package of croissants onto the cream cheese...don't press down

pour melted butter over the whole shebang and then sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar

bake for around 30 mins until brownish and delicious looking

enjoy warm or cold or room temp

:)

I think I may have posted a version of this recipe before that had eggs.

I like this one better...so delicious...and the pan never lasts longer than 12 hours in our house :)

proud of my baby

It's been awhile

OK...
It's been awhile
But, in my defense, pinterest is really....well...interesting.  And it has spots for all the recipes I try....

And, being a parent is some tough business.  Son#1 and Son#2, being teenagers, have been e s p e c i a l  l  y teenager-esque.  Like, after-school-special-teenager-esque.  And, Finn has been Finn.  Being a parent of a kiddo with special needs seems a bit easier than a parent of teenager, though, I have to say.  At least Finn comes with equipment and a team of support staff.  These boys just come with rolling eyes and attitude.  Have I mentioned they know everything too?

Good grief.

I just can't imagine I was T H I S bad!!!  I am sure my mom and dad would have something to add, but, alas, they are not on this blog and therefore can't interject about what a perfect vision of teenagehood I was and how I had no attitude, except love and respect.  And how I willingly complete all my chores and then some.  So, you will just have to take my word for it...

Tomorrow, I have the pleasure of getting up close and personal with the court system.  Yay (where is that mad face guy) and then on Monday there is IEP for Son#2 and his ongoing med changes for the impulse control issues that cause him to play video games, without stopping, for weeks on end and forget to shower. I wish there was a medication for Son#1 and his incessant need to be with GIRLFRIEND, as if she will disappear if he is not within 10 feet of her.

Even though all this is going on, MainMan has managed to continue to construct his zombie fortress with his clan of friends and plan for the end of the world, as we know it.

Sometime, I would just like to shower, without interruption.

OK...today's blessing...

Even though Finners has been a little...ummmm....challenging (?!?!?!) lately, she has learned to say "I yub oo mommy," which of course, forgives everything and makes it all better.  Good thing because challenging is a delicate way to describe some of these behaviors!!!  ;)

Soup recipe of the day

Chicken Wild Rice

First...make your chicken stock...
I like to take a whole chicken and cover in with water in my stockpot
add a couple of bay leaves, 2 celery stalks (leaves etc included...just break it into a couple of pieces so it fits in the pot), a whole onion cut in half, and a 2 carrots halved or quartered (however they fit in there)

cook for an hour or so...until the chicken is done and should be falling off the bone

pull 3 cups of broth from the stockpot and set the rest aside.

boil 3 cups of broth and add 1.5 cups of wild rice, simmer for 45 mins until rice is tender (or follow the directions on your wild rice...some are different...the main point is to use the broth and DO NOT use instant wild rice)

while rice is simmering,strain broth in stock pot...you want to get rid of the celery, onions, carrots and bay leaves you put in there and any pieces of bone etc that happened while cooking chicken.  I don't strain it in any fancy kind of way, i just use a straining spoon...works just fine but I suppose you could get all cheesecloth etc with it if you wanted.

you can also pull apart the chicken.  Get rid of bones and skin (yuck) and add meat back to stockpot broth.

Dice into small pieces
1 whole onion
2 celery stalks
2 cloves of garlic (or be like me and just use the minced kind in the jar...about 1 really big tsp)
you can also dice up a carrot or two if you want

melt 4 tbsp of butter in a pan and saute onion, celery, garlic (and carrot) until soft (about 1-10 mins)
add 3 tbsp of flour and whisk for 3 mins

add to stockpot broth and meat...stir rapidly so it is all mixed well

rice should be done now so you can add that to the pot too

now add some spices to taste...

I add salt (lots of salt)
pepper
basil
some cayenne
and a splash of lemon juice (like a tbsp or a bit more)

get the soup up to a nice rolling simmer and add about 2 cups of cream (or half in half if you are watching your weight but really...add the heavy cream already)

do not let the soup boil after this (the cream will separate.  you can still eat it but it won't look creamy and nice)

ladle up into boils and serve with some garlic butter croutons or fresh homemade bread...Yummmy


when I first started making soup I was always buying campbells broth and using chicken breasts.  This whole chicken way is waaaaaaaaaay more cost effective, makes a muuuuuuuuuuuch better broth/stock and serves more.  I always make sure that my stock pot is about half full (I am not so big on super thick soups) but if you like thicker soups, just use less water.  just make sure your chicken is covered with water

also...the difference between stock and broth is not a very big one...stock is just a more condensed version of broth...so the longer you cook the chicken in the water with the veggies, the more flavorful it will become.

To this end, I usually take a day or afternoon to make my soup...I let the chicken cook with the herbs and veggies for at least a couple of hours and the stock is a golden color...more flavorful (you might need to add more water so check on it every so often).  You can also throw in whatever veggies you have and can even go veggie if you are a non meat-eater....the soup would just be wild rice and would be made the same only you would cook a pot of veggies (maybe add some leeks in there, more carrots and then you could add some mushrooms in with the sauteing portion)...then no chickens will have been harmed in the making of your soup.

OK...so the dessert experiment failed...onto new things

So I tried to do this thing, where I made desserts and we celebrated by eating a new one every night...and it went all fine and dandy until the desserts weren't getting done until like 9 or 10pm and the kids were sleeping and Cori had to get to work

And...let's face it...

I cook but I am not Julia Childs and I am not living like that other Julia who wrote that cool Julia and Julia blog

I am a mom of two teenagers and 1 toddler
I am a teacher

and...well...I am tired.

My kids aren't all that adventurous and the grocery store around here barely carries anything more exotic than vanilla extract.

So...in 2013...I am changing the message...desserts and blessings!!!

It is my goal to find blessings every day...and throw some desserts in there too :)

The Ipad

Today...
I received the most amazing gift...

A co-worker, Lisa, pulled me aside and GAVE me an IPad for Finn!!!

Who does that?

Who just GIVES something like this away?

I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

She is so sweet and made sure to tell me that it was the 1st edition and so it wasn't that great (is she kidding???) and they had used it before so it wasn't new (I care why???) and meanwhile I was sobbing like a lunatic.

Gratitiude is my word for the day...overwhelming gratitide

how do you thank someone for giving you a gift that has the potential to change your child's life forever?

Seizures can SUCK IT

Seizures can suck it.

They really really really can (I am very emphatic on this point)

I have no desserts (although pound cake is up for tomorrow)

but

tonight

seizures can suck it


this is the latest video of our poor little sweatpea

this is a pretty typical event

notice how we can't get her attention, her right eye doesn't match her left and her whole body crunches up and into itself???

so tonight

I am feeling sorry for myself, my family, my friends and most of all my beautiful and amazing baby girl

seizures can suck it

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h06RkEBM66c&feature=youtu.be

Holy Smokes!!!!

Well...Holy cow...it's almost like I forgot my promise to myself to blog everyday (and make desserts.)  Well...OK...I did forget (about the blogging part...not so much about the desserts.)

Life, of course, has continued to race past us at lightening speed.

The boys are settling in at school and continue to amaze me with their unique personalities.  Nick is the most sarcastic, funny, deadpan 14 year old I have met (and I have no idea where he gets it from.)  He has decided that he and his friends are a posse (he calls them his consiglieres...where did he even learn that word?) and they all changed their names to ridiculous things.  His is something like Periwinkle something something something.  He is in speech now too (Discussion so he gets to argue which is awesome for him)

Dylan has some great friends too and has started volunteering at the local theater.  I think what drew him first was all the free pop and popcorn he could eat and drink but he keeps going back.  The free movies might help but I think he is a good kid too.  He hit a rough patch there for a bit but hopefully we are through that (we better be or it's military school)

Our house will be completely paid off this October.  Exciting.  Feeling like a grown-up for a change.  :)  The boys are helping my dad make Finn a playhouse this summer and then we are going to plant flowers etc right around it...maybe even a willow tree.  I am really excited.  The boys are also going to finally get their own rooms (thank you tax returns)  We will start framing them in sometime this Spring.  I might be as excited as they are because then their mess will be contained to their own rooms and I won't have them fighting over who made what mess because it will be pretty easy to see... :)

Finn has had some pretty rough times since Oct.  The past week has been especially difficult.  We had tubes put in on Thursday (pretty basic surgery) and then watched her seize about 25 times in a 4 day period.  She started a fever that night that finally went away fully on Thursday (the 16th) after a night in 2 ERs (don't ask) 3 hours of fast flow IV fluids, IV Keppra, 2 doses of rescue meds and several consulting calls with the Mayo.  She is finally back to her choochy bird self today.  And maybe even back up to her pre-surgery weight.

To celebrate, today we made candy popcorn.  I was going to make it on Valentine's Day but as we didn't get out of the ER and back home until 5am that morning, I just never got around to it.

It sort of tastes like Frankenberry cereal (or some other strawberry flavored cereal...I never really had Frankenberry cereal...it's just how I imagine it would taste)

candy popcorn
1 bag of puffcorn (or twelve cups popped popcorn, unpopped kernels removed)
1 30z box of jello (any flavor...I used strawberry)
1 can sweetened condensed milk

heat oven to 300 and line a roasting pan with tinfoil.  spray tinfoil with cooking spray or butter
dump popcorn into pan
heat sweetened condensed milk and jello powder over med/low heat until hot and bubbling (4-5 mins)
pour over popcorn and stir with long handled wooden spoon
plop in oven for 20 (I did 25...just in case...I hate mushy popcorn) and stir every 5 mins

spread on sprayed or buttered foil when finished and break apart

enjoy

:)

Infantile Spasms Awareness Week and Pumpkins

So tomorrow kicks off infantile spasms awareness week.  I like to think of IS week as the kick-off (must be my word tonight) for Epilepsy Awareness Month, which is all of November.

Finn never was diagnosed with IS but they waffle back and forth (they being a myriad of neurologist...small n as they are not God) with thinking she had some sort of atypical version...she showed delays and seizures but not the hyppsarythmia pattern associated with IS.

The end result, I guess, doesn't really matter.  She has seizures.  She has delays.  It sucks.

This weekend we had to load her up with diastat.  Not my favorite thing to do.  For some reason I have this hang up about giving her diastat.  Like it makes her worse or I am damaging her brain by giving her this rescue medication...maybe because it is called a rescue medication...

She also had what is called a drop seizure.  It looked like someone came up behind her and pushed her head into her chest, and her arms flung out, and then she dropped to the floor and her head smashed into the concrete floor of the store twice before I could get to her...split lip and goose-egg.

Have I mentioned I hate epilepsy????

I also hate that it makes me miss school functions for the boys and they have to learn how to time seizures and they know what rescue medications are and they know where they are located in our house and they know what seizures look like and what to look for and they have to do without things because Finn needs therapy or therapy equipment or because she can't deal with the temperature change or they get fat lips because they are trying to grab her and her behaviors are so bad they she is biting and flinging her head around.

I hate that I feel jealous when I see pictures of other little kiddos Finn's age doing regular things like jumping in corn piles and running through leaves and singing songs and doing puzzles and Finn is biting hunks out of her arms and bashing her head on the floor in a seizure and struggling to say simple words and still runs lopsided.

I hate that my very next thought is guilt because so many of my seizure mom friends would give their right arms for a babe would could run lopsided like Finn.

And I wouldn't trade my Chooch for anything and I would give up every breathe without even thinking about it if it took these damn seizures away.

AND...today...

I hate pumpkins

I mean, I don't hate the actual pumpkins...they look nice...pumpkin pie, pumpkin bars, pumpkin bars...all good things

but carving pumpkins irritates me
it makes a mess
they never really turn out
it feels like a waste of time
and

did I mention the mess?????

I somehow feel like the Grinch who stole Halloween today....

Get your purple ready

Rock it out

For epilepsy awareness

for all the kiddos who suffer from IS and epilepsy, for their parents who suffer along with them and all the siblings who know more about epilepsy than they ever should have to and who do without with grace and strength beyond their years....

Not another moment lost to seizures


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Long time No Blog

Long time no blog

Sorry

Life has a habit of just happening sometimes.

I started my new job (which I LOVE) and well...just got busy.

Finn also started a whole new medicine routine and that has taken some getting used to.  It is so much fun to see little bits of her personality pop out more and more but it is very apparent that she is slipping farther and farther behind.  She is still lagging in speech BUT it is better than it was.  Her behaviors now are what is concerning.  She is biting herself and throwing tantrums that cause her to literally turn black and blue.  She has given herself bloody noses and goose-eggs as well as literally biting pieces of her arm and hands off.  Poor little chooch

We were at my parents a couple of weekends ago, celebrating fall and the Renaissance Festival and my mom made these amazing dumplings so I thought I would share the recipe.

thanks mom

they are spectacular

Apple Dumplings

preheat oven to 350
spray a 9x13 cake pan with nonstick spray (or grease one...however you roll)

Ingredients:
2 packages of refrigerator crescent rolls
1 cup butter
1 1/2 cups of sugar (I usually use less...I like them a bit more tart...it also calls for white sugar but the next time I make them, I think I am going to use brown sugar and see what happens)
1 tsp cinnamon
2 large apples, peeled, cored and sliced into 8 slices from each apple
12oz of mt dew

starting at the small end of the crescent rolls, roll up a slice of apple and tuck in the corners so you have a little apple pouch....repeat for entire 2 cans of crescent rolls

melt butter on stove and add sugar
mix well
add cinnamon and whisk

ladle over apple pouches
pour mt dew over all everything

(don't worry...it looks really soupy.  I was nervous at 1st too but it all turns into deliciousness in the baking)

bake for 45 mins

serve with ice cream (try some vanilla bean or cinnamon ice cream...heavenly)

Rhubarb Crisp

Yesterday, my parents came for a visit.  We don't see them enough so a visit is always cause for celebration.  They also brought the giant snowblower that I bought for $13.  It's a long story (well not really but I always seem to make those stories much longer than they need to be) and sufficed to say, the snowblower is gigantic and wouldn't fit in either the van (with the seats removed) or the Tahoe (YIKES!!!) so my parents offered to bring it up in the back of their truck!!!

It really is huge.  If I were motivated I would go take a picture but it is quiet and the baby is snuggling me so you will have to use your imagination....it is roughly the size of a riding lawn-mower only it is on 2 wheels.  Our driveway should be snowblow-ed out with a swipe down from the garage and then the pass back up to put it away!!!!

If it works...

My parents brought it up and the visit with them was lovely.  Finn loves her Grammy and Grampy and was busying yelling GAMMMMMMA GYAMMMMMMMMPA all day to show them something or other.  We played outside, grilled delicious brats and hotdogs (courtesy of mom and dad from the Appleton meat market...aka HOUSE OF SAUSAGE) and Cori grilled some yummy yummy steaks (his grill specialty)

To celebrate, I make some fresh rhubarb crisp (with double the crisp topping because really...isn't that why we all eat fruit crisp???)

Rhubarb Crisp
4 cups rhubarb (cut into bite sized chunks...about how you cut them up for a little one to eat
1/2 cup sugar (I always use a little less..I like the rhubarb to still be a bit tart)
1 tbsp flour
1 tbsp H2O

crisp topping (I double this amount because...well...yum)
3/4 cup quick oatmeal
2/3 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup flour
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup butter (room temp)
1 tsp cinnamon

in a greased 9x13 pan (a cake pan) spread the cut rhubarb...sprinkle the tbsp of flour and tbsp of H2O over the top of the rhubarb.  Sprinkle the sugar on top of it all. (pretty simple right?)

In a bowl, mix together: oatmeal, brown sugar, flour, salt and cinnamon.  Cut room temp. butter into tbsp sized cuts and, using a pastry cutter (or a fork) smoosh the butter into the mixture until it is all blended together and the mixture seems to hold together in clumps...you want to make sure you mix the butter in enough (I think the fancy term is "cutting" in the butter) so that the whole mixture sort of holds together...no loose dry parts to mixture.

Sprinkle the crust mixture over the top of the rhubarb mixture and place in a 350 oven for 35-45 mins (I always err on the side of 45-50 mins as I would rather have the crisp mixture crispy rather than soggy.

It smells delicious cooking in you house and tastes even better

It is especially wonderful served a little warm with a dollop of vanilla or cinnamon ice cream plopped on the top.

Our ice cream didn't work out yesterday so we had it plain...it's pretty freakin' good plain as well.

I have never had rhubarb crisp made to the recipe as I have always doubled the crisp part...it seems like there might not be enough crispy-ness but maybe I am just a sucker for butter, brown sugar and oatmeal :)

You can try it both ways and let me know which is your favorite.

Happy Sunday everyone and never forget to tell the people you love just how much they mean to you!!!

2 years old and ODD

So...after our recent fiasco where we were told that Finn is not on the spectrum (OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK) but rather severely cognitively delayed with ODD...how can they even say that about a 2 year old I want to know...because seriously, isn't EVERY 2 your old ODD?  I mean...isn't that part of being 2 and why it is called the "terrible twos?" AND if she is so severely cognitively delayed (because she refused to make a choo choo out of 3 blocks because EVERYONE knows a choo choo isn't made out of 3 blocks) how can she have ODD?  ODD implies a willful challenge that being severely (to the extent they told us) delayed would prohibit...

Anyway...I digress....

Yesterday I had Finn help me make a simple banana parfait.  I think she liked helping more than she liked actually eating.  We will be adjusting her meds, again, since she has lost a pound in the last 2 1/2 weeks (stupid topamax.)  Over the next 15 weeks (once insurance approves it) we will be gradually weaning topamax and adding lamictal.  Here is hoping it helps with the seizures as well as the eating.  It would be nice if Finn's pants didn't fall off!!!  :)


Simple Banana Parfait

48 Nilla Wafers
2 medium bananas
1 box instant vanilla pudding (make according to pudding pie recipe)
container of whipped cream


mix pudding according to pudding pie recipe and set aside
layer 24 Nilla wafers in a baking dish (like and 8x8x2)
cut up one medium banana into slices and spread over wafers
cover the bananas with half of the pudding
cover the pudding with half the container of whipped cream (we used cool whip)

repeat with remaining ingredients

I also spread some butterscotch topping over the whipped cream portion as well (simply because I had it in the refrigerator and Finn likes to squeeze the bottle) :)

Everyone in the family thoroughly enjoyed it (even with Finn's obviously finger marks in the final whipped cream layer) and we had a great time counting out cookies and licking bowls :)

Epicureous Epitaphs

Epicureous Epitaphs

In the last few months I have felt compelled to reassess my life.  When contemplating my greatest accomplishments and pondering how I would wish to be remembered I keep turning to desserts.  No, they are not my greatest accomplishments by far.  No, they are not necessarily how I would like to be remembered (although they are high on my list.)  Rather, I have come to realize that my whole life is wrapped in food.  In celebratory food and in sympathetic food.  I cook when I am happy and cook when I am sad and cook and bake at all times in between.  The most joyous times in my life have an element of food (when my son Nick was born, the apple juice that I finally got to drink was like ambrosia) and the saddest moments in my life have held consolation in food (warm tapioca in the darkness of my closet as I wondered if I could really be a single mom.)

As an English teacher, I always like to challenge my students to write their own epitaphs.  To describe how they would be remembered…to live their life in ways that hold true to this final message.

Taking a page from my own teaching album, I have decided to take a crack at my own.  It has proven harder than I thought.  Sorry former students…this is a tough assignment.

A million years ago…back in the 1970s, the world was graced with a little girl who would go on to do small things in a big way.  Kris spent her life doing everyday things with great joy.  She didn’t really come into her own until her 30s but once she did, watch out world!!!  Kris enjoyed writing and reading and the breeze on her face and the grass under her toes.  She definitely did NOT enjoy sweating and so she was not the tiniest of small people but her heart was as large as her waistline (something not everyone can say.)  She loved with true abandon and her children and her partner were her truest loves in life. 

That is as far as I got before I had to make cupcakes

The filled kind

The kind my aunt Jayne made

My aunt Jayne was one of the best bakers I have ever met.  When she made a dessert, the heavens open, angel choirs sang and trumpets heralded its arrival.  She was soft spoken and kind to a fault.  I used to babysit my cousins for her when they were small and she would always bring me back presents from whatever vacation they happened to go on.  I found a coral flower she had brought back, on a tiny delicate chain and when I had my own daughter, I put it in a box and set it aside for her.  The last time I spoke to my aunt Jayne, I told her I had found the necklace and set it aside for Finn.  In true Jayne fashion, she told me “oh Kris, that old thing…you need to get her something nicer.”  I miss you Jayne and I wish I would have spent more time telling you how terrific I truly thought you were.

Jayne’s Filled Cupcakes

4 eggs

1 cup sugar

1 stick butter

1 cup flour

1 can (16oz) Hershey syrup

blend all together and add to cupcake liners in cupcake tin, fill 1/3 way full

1 8oz cream cheese

1/3 cup sugar

1 cup coconut

1 egg

6oz mini chocolate cips

Mix together until smoothish and drop 1 tbsp into each cupcake spot

Bake at 350 for 20-25 mins

While cupcakes are cooking and cooling mix:

1 cup sugar

¼ cup butter

1/3 cup milk

Blend all together and add 1/3 cup choc chips 

Cook over med low heat and keep stirring until thickened…spoon ganache over cupcakes and let cool

Delicious!!!

still no desserts tonight...maybe tomorrow

No desserts tonight...maybe tomorrow

Tonight I am sad

Finn has lost more words.  She is good at echoing, which apparently is not a good thing.  She is losing more and more words.  We lost Daddy again.  Tonight we lost Ick (her name for Nick) he is now just a grunt.  I am afraid.  I am afraid this autism monster and this epilepsy monster will rob us of her.

Sometimes I watch parts of her disappear.  She always manages to come back but what it...what happens when she can't?

Right now we are SMRTing her...labeling her disabled so she can qualify for grants and services that Cori and I cannot afford on our own.  Things she needs to help her reach her full potential.  Of course with this government shut-down looming on the horizon, those processes will also screech to a halt and the already slow process will stop.

So...

our window of opportunity that is already small and closing everyday will continue to grow smaller as the stupid government squabbles over who is better; democrats or republicans, while my darling daughter loses more words and drifts in and out of her own world and there is nothing I can do to change it.

it sucks

so

tonight I didn't make dessert

tomorrow maybe

tonight I wonder how we will pay our bills (my job is government and so is Cori's and my new job doesn't start until August) and how we will keep Finn in our world and how I will coax the words from inside her

tomorrow I will make cookies to help celebrate father's day
and
I will hope that Finn's ability to say Daddy comes back
so that on Father's day
Cori will be called Daddy once again

no dessert

No dessert...I mean, I have made some but this blog post isn't about that
well
not really

maybe it is

I haven't written it in my head yet so I am not sure

I didn't want to make a blog about Finn and the struggles we face but maybe it is good to do that...maybe it is a release that needs to happen.  I don't know.  This is all new territory for me.  It's like running in the dark, with scissors, through the woods, with some sort of monster chasing me.

Finn has epilepsy.
Finn has autism

My beautiful baby, they now believe (although "now" is the word of the moment with the doctors) they now believe she was most likely seizing since birth...small seizures not readily noticeable but there...lurking like some sort of monster only in the broad daylight.  These seizures caused small electrical storms in her brain.  Although small might be a relative term there.  They know these give her migraine headaches.

Anyone have migraines???  I do and I can't imagine my tiny baby having debilitating headaches already...shouldn't she have to have her own children before those start??? :)

She has epilepsy.  It's official.  They had been using "suspected epilepsy disorder" but now it is official.  Epilepsy.

I threw myself into epilepsy advocacy.  Finding a cure, joining support groups.  I could do this.  We could do this.  We can give her her medication, time her seizures, track them on charts, bring them to appointments, travel 5 1/2 hours one way to see her neurologists, do blood work.  I could do this.  It was hard but I was determined.  I read books.  Lots of books.  I googled any and everything to do with epilepsy.  I was informed, knew the right phrases, spoke with authority.  I am a good advocate.

Finn has autism.
It's official.  The initial testing was done by the behaviorist who decided more testing was necessary.  More testing was done by the speech therapist and a behavioral psychologist.  There is no denying it.  There is no "maybe it's just some behaviors."  It's a full-blown, 5 alarm diagnosis.  The recommendation is 40 hours a week of intensive therapy.  40 hours.  Keep in mind she is 23 months old.  She still takes naps people.  Not to mention the nearest therapist in the therapy they suggest is 75 miles one-way away.

So...
We have therapy for epilepsy and therapy for autism.  When will I get to SEE Finn?  When does she get to be a baby.  She still is a baby.  My baby in fact.

and

she is brilliant

She can concentrate on her blocks for hours...stacking and stacking.  She knows how to turn the TV off and on and change the settings to make sure her movie is in and playing.  I can't get that right all the time yet.  She can unlock our front door!!!

She likes to lick things too...it is her newest fascination.  She licks her fingers, the dog, her food before eating, her fingers (again...she chews on them too) the windows, strangers.  She licks.  Her little soft tongue is always tasting.  I think she can sense people's moods by the taste they give off.  Of course, that is just my theory. :)

She likes to read and will eagerly pull books and climb into laps for a read.  She likes marshmallows and chips and her newest interest is Sommies (Zombies...ask Cori.)  She is fascinated in figuring out how everything works and would gladly take apart anything she can get her hands on and then put it back together.

Our house is filled with sensory toys and materials...bubbles and weighted everything...Velcro attached to crazy places, chewies and pull toys.  Boxes filled with packing peanuts and pringles cans with dried beans.  Baggies with oozy gel and noise, musical toys.  Finn loves music.  She sings all her words.  She can keep beat to the music and will stop everything to listen to Jack's Big Music Show.

We have sign language DVDs to help her communicate...to try to lessen the frustration that causes her to chew her arms and beat her head.

We keep to schedules and introduce things slowly to try to minimize the melt-downs.
We play outside but only at grassy parks...the paved ones are too risky with seizures.
We swim...like fish...as often as we can.  Finn can swim....I am convinced she is headed for the Olympics.

Nick and Dylan are so patient.  More patient than I ever was with my younger brothers.  They dote on her and work with her and she learns more from them than any of the therapists.

I wish I could do more for them...the guilt consumes me...all the time and therapy and expense for Finn leaves little for them.  Like the leftovers.  That isn't fair.  I don't know how to change it...how to correct it.  How can I give 100% to everyone????

I hear that is a regular feeling...that guilt.
I hate it.

ummmmmmmmmmmmmm
I guess there was no dessert in this one

although I hear those Starbucks coconut mochas are pretty tasty!!!  :)

Thank you (and chocolate chip cookie covered oreos)

            I sometimes lie awake at night and worry.  Well, let’s be honest here, I mostly lie awake in bed at night and worry.  I worry about EVERYTHING…you name it, I have worried about it.  I have always been this way and after having children I was infinitely worse.  I would lay in bed and worry about colds, school dances, the right clothes, grades, friends, no friends, cars, video games and how they influence them, athletic uniforms…the list seemed endless.

            And then, I got pregnant with Finn.  Holy moly did I worry.  My pregnancy was rough and I was old and overweight and diabetic and I worried like an Olympic Gold Medal Champion.  Every second was spent in a state of worry and guilt about not worrying enough. 

            And then she was born.  I couldn’t sleep for worrying.  And I knew something was wrong, something was off.  I just KNEW…how a mother knows.  In that spot in my soul that is all instinct.  Doctors weren’t too sure.  They didn’t worry like I did so they weren’t sure.  Something was off, they would say, but don’t worry….it’s most likely nothing.  Don’t worry. 

            And then there was something wrong.  Labels and everything.  Epilepsy.  PDD.  All those labels and testing for everything.  Things I didn’t know existed and the testing continues and I worry.

            Shockingly, though, I worry less.  My worries are now specific.  I worry about medicine (will she take it all or will it be a fight), I worry about side effects (will she get too hot outside) I worry about skills (will she lose them in the next round of seizures.)  All specific worries…real worries, I guess they would be…a lot different than the abstract “what if” worries of before.

            In the middle of all these worries, I have achieved a calm.  Sometimes I really even do sleep through the whole night.  Because I have been given a gift.

The gift of seeing miracles. 

Everyday, I get to see miracles!!!  I wake up and I am excited to see which miracle is in store for the day.  My older son runs…he runs well…what a miracle that he can walk and that his gazelle legs move him fluidly through the universe.  What a gift that I can watch that…so I take the time to see, to watch, my son run like the wind.  My youngest son can name every video game known to man and can master video game techniques in seconds.  What a miracle that his brain makes all those connections and when his brain makes the connections, his hands move.  What a gift that I can see that process…so I take time to listen to him explain how to move this guy this way so he can climb a wall and escape.  My daughter, my baby girl.  What a miracle.  She has given me the gift of friends…far and wide, spanning the globe.  Her mere presence has influenced the lives of people we have never even met.  What a gift that she has chosen to bring me along for the ride…so ride I do.  I connect with other moms and dads and grandma’s and grandpa’s who have a similar gift.  That gift of seeing miracles.  And then, they share their miracles with me!!! I am privy to hundreds of miracles everyday, all day.  Potty training and words and walking and crawling and eating and smiling…miracles, all day long. 

            I am so blessed.

            Thank you

            Thank you for sharing your miracles with me and for reminding me of all the blessings, all the gifts that I have been given. 

And mostly, thank you for reminding me of the gift of seeing miracles.

now on to the recipe
these are shockingly good.  I am not an oreo fan so I believe if you are, they may even be better....

I am going to try those blonde oreo cookies maybe in a peanut butter cookie recipe later....I will let you know how that turns out...but my mouth is sort of watering in anticipation already.

OK...
take your favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe.
I just used a standard one

2 sticks softened butter
1 cup sugar
3/4 packed brown sugar
(cream together...I used my food processor as my beaters are kaput and I love my food processor)
2 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla (don't use that imitation stuff...just splurge and buy a bottle of the real stuff already)
(blend these together)
3 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
(blend together...when using the food processor, scrape down the sides before adding the flour and then pulse until it looks all blended...10 -12 pulses)
1 10oz bag of chocolate chips (I stir these in sep in the food processor because otherwise they sometimes get a little ground up)

so your cookie dough is made

open you package of double stuff oreos (or whatever kind you fancy...I saw those mint ones and thought they might be good too)

take about a tablespoon's worth of dough and plop it in your floured (very important...I learned my lesson afte rthe messy 1st batch to flour my hands)hand...flatten it a bit and put your oreo cookie in the center. 

squish the dough up the sides of the cookie as best you can and place another tablespoon on top of the oreo and do the same thing....basically, you are taking two chocolate chip cookies and wrapping them around an oreo.

I used the airpans (those air pocketed cookie sheets...thank you Jake....they have proven to be an awesome Christmas present)and baked at 350 for about 14 mins.  If you like them softish, this should be great.  I like them a little firmer so I put them back in for another 3 mins or so. 

let them sit on the pan for at least 5 mins before transferring them to a wire cookie rack

the recipe makes about 2 dozen giant cookies.

and they are delicioius.

they disappeared before I could get pictures (fancy that) but I am pretty sure you can google them since I know I am not the ONLY one to have thought of this business.

but

I am thinking peanut butter chocolate chip with the golden oreos in the center may just about be nirvana!!!

Holy skipping months!!!

so much for the shaming me into writing, huh?

Ugh...I am such a procrastinator...all the excuses in the world add up to just that...excuses.  Time to roll up my sleeves and just dig in.

I have some great pictures of the last couple of batches of cookies we made and this week a package should be getting sent out with a few dozen more.  Stay Safe Amber!!!

I am also working on making onesies and capes for Finneroo and her BFF Juniebird (I love that baby)

Roobird and Juniebird were roommates over a year ago, at Children's Hospital...7940 represent!!!  :)  (that was my attempt at being hip...give me a break...I have only had one cup of coffee so far today and it was a long, rough night) 

ANYHOO

Finn and June will be going to the state capital for Epilepsy Awareness day and they are bringing our families along.  We get to go talk to our senator and representative about the effects that epilepsy has had on our lives.  I made a little handout to give to them with some pictures of my chooch and some of the things we have gone through.

So...onesies with purple butterflies (the epilepsy symbol) with purple ribbons (our color) and super hero purple capes....those are what is on the agenda this weekend.

Speaking of the Bird...aunt Amber got us an amazing thing called an emfit movement monitor. We are so lucky to have it.  It is very expensive and not covered by insurance (why, I will never know) It detects all the seizure movements that Finn has when she sleeps.  I was shocked at how many we were missing and how much she seizes in her sleep.  It also alerts when she stops breathing (it detects an absence of movement as well) and that was lucky as I was able to go in and check when the alarm sounded and get her out of the crib and started breathing again.  SUDEP is a big worry for me so this helps me sleep a little better at night (ummmmmmmm when it's my turn anyway!!!)

Rooski is now topped out on Keppra and we are gradually adding Topomax to her cocktail.  The topomax has proven to be a little difficult to adjust to and we are seeing a lot of behaviors we didn't before.  We are working on her sensory issues and she just started drinking carnation instant breakfast in the morning so we can keep her weight up (topomax makes some kiddos not eat...Finn is one...she takes bites but 2 cheeseballs does not a meal make)


I promise to be better about this blogging and especially about posting recipes.

I made homemade cheesecake last week...HEAVEN...and with blueberries on top it was even better....yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Coooooooooooookies everywhere

So the cookie contest was this weekend
I really really really wanted to win
the grand prize was a gleaming red kitchen aid mixer
with the multi-sized bowls

I was praying for a blizzard because I could walk my cookies over but not everyone else could

no blizzard here

really cold but all the snow went to my family down south (sorry...I should have been more blizzard specific)

anyway, I didn't get the call so I doubt I won so maybe you don't even want these recipes but they are good

so good in fact that I didn't get pictures because they got eaten so I will be making more

possible pictures then but I am not promising anything

the first ones I made are a ball of wonderful chocolaty goodness with some caramel thrown in for good measure...
holy yum
and
i don't even LIKE cookies (well I do but I hate baking them...all the futziness makes me mental...I want to throw them all in at once and go from there)

the 2nd ones were a short bread concoction with caramel (and I added chocolate because how can THAT combo be bad) with some sea salt...yowza...those might be my favorite

in either case

here they are

Chocolatey caramel goodness

3 squares unsweetened chocolate
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar (I used homemade brown sugar) but the recipe calls for regular
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
2 cups finely chopped pecans

(then there is this caramel recipe but I used a different one because I had left overs from the shortbread cookies...who knows what this tastes like but I am including it in case you want to try)
14oz pack of caramels
2 tbsp milk
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate morsels

microwave choc square and butter until completely melted
stir in 1 cup sugar, egg, vanilla and then mix in the dry ingredients (really...these were the instructions...I mixed the dry ingredients in a separate bowl and then added them while mixing to the wet mixture)

refrigerate for at least 30 mins (I used this time to mix up the shortbread recipe and get that ready)

shape dough in 1 inch balls (I swear I did this but mine "may" have been bigger...you know...the bigger the better???) and roll in pecans

place on parchment paper covered cookie sheet 2 inches apart

make indent in dough with thumb (I almost pushed all the way through but they still flattened out when I baked them so upon taking out of oven, i pushed a little bouncy ball in the center to make a new divot...hey, it helps to be creative int he kitchen and we have a million of those stupid things floating around)

remove and cool on wire rack

I left them on the paper as they seemed a little gooey yet but firmed up on cooling (very grateful I used the parchment paper)

then when they are cool, you fill the indent with caramel and then cover with a drizzle of melted chocolate (if you are making the caramel from above, you melt the caramels with the milk in the microwave and then fill the centers, melt the chocolate and cover...this recipe was very pro-microwave)

onto the shortbread cookies

Salted Caramel Thumbprint Cookies

Makes 16 cookies  (Ummmmmm....I made a lot more as I made my cookies smaller...I measured and everything but apparently I made my square kind of thinner than it was supposed to be)

Shortbread Cookie recipe adapted from Barefoot Contessa
Caramel recipe taken from Salted Caramel Mousse by Trish Desseine
Cookies:
1 1/2 stick of unsalted butter, room temperature (I softened it in the microwave because I have that great softening button...I also used salted butter because really...who uses the unsalted kind besides fancy cooks)
1/2 cup of granulated sugar (I used brown sugar...what can I say, we just made a new batch and I love it)
1/2 teaspoon of pure vanilla extract
1 3/4 cup of all-purpose flour
1/8 teaspoon kosher salt
Caramel:
1/2 cup of granulated sugar
2 ½ tablespoons unsalted butter, room temperature
1/4 cup heavy whipping cream (I used 1/2 a cup because I am a dolt and didn't read the recipe right...it made caramel soup...which was fine because it firmed up later but made me cry a bit at the time)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
In an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, (I don't have that so I just used regular beaters...this is where winning that kitchen aid would have come in handy)cream together the butter and sugar until they are just combined and then add the vanilla. Separately, sift together the flour and salt. With the mixer on low speed, add the flour mixture to the creamed butter and sugar. (this is hard to do one handed...just letting you know)Mix until the dough starts to come together. Dump on a floured board and roll together into a flat square. (see...no thickness given...apparently mine was not thick enough but that just means there were more cookies and less guilt when eating them)Wrap in plastic and chill for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes, take out the fridge and cut into 1 1/4-inch squares.
Roll the dough into 1 1/4-inch balls. (If you have a scale they should each weigh 1 ounce...I don't have a scale so...there you go) Place the balls on an ungreased cookie sheet. (I covered mine with parchment paper after having been ecstatic that I did for the chocolate ones before) Hold the cookie steady with one hand and press a light indentation into the top of each with your finger.  Note: I actually poked a hole using a medicine dropper and then made it a little bigger by wiggling it since my cookies were too small to poke my finger into...that should have been my 1st clue) .  Bake for 10 to 15 minutes, until they’re just a little golden brown on the sides. Let them cool. While they’re cooling, make the caramel.

Combine the sugar and 2 tablespoons water in a medium saucepan. Do not stir. Cook over medium-high heat to a dark caramel, swirling as it begins to brown to distribute the sugar.  While the sugar and water are going at it, heat up the cream in a saucepan or microwave just until warm.

Take off the heat and add your room temperature butter.  Whisk the butter in, being sure it’s totally combined. Add your warmed cream and whisk vigorously.

By now your cookies should be cooled.  Spoon a teaspoon of warm caramel into the indentations of your cookies and top with sea salt. You can eat right away (the caramel will be goopy and wonderful), or let sit for 2 hours so the caramel sets. Fancy and fantastic!

I also added two chocolate chips in the indent of the cookie when they came out of the oven...then the caramel over the top and then a sprinkling of sea salt.  If you wait for a bit to put the salt on, the caramel won't melt it and it will look all crystally and pretty.

enjoy

Cookies Cookies Everywhere

Well...there were cookies cookies everywhere. 

The boys got a hold of them so now there are about 3 cookies left. 

Tonight I am going to attempt a version of a cake pop...have you seen those?  If not, you need to check out bakerella.com.   She is amazing and wonderful and full of fabulous ideas.

I am going to make my own version of the Christmas tree ones...only I am using spice cake, cream cheese frosting, white candy coating and coconut, tinted green.  I even bought little colored stars for on top of the tree.

I have a recipe that is a chocolate sugar cookie, rolled in nuts with a dip in the center that you fill with caramel and then cover the whole shebang with melted chocolate

I am also going to make Jake's Oreo balls (which sounds a lot more creepy than it really is)

and

the fanciest
most awesome
idea I have had in a long time

I am going to make mini pie cookies and then drizzle caramel over the top


pictures to follow

(maybe I won't make them ALL tonight)

some pie pictures

OK...here are some pictures of the delicious pie...the pictures don't do it justice though...not at all

this is the homemade brown sugar....I love brown sugar...it's my favorite cooking ingredient

mixing in the brown sugar

Finn testing the beaters....quality control you know!!!



these were pre-baked....still delicious but probably not all that safe to gobble up



she was pretty happy to help....love the new Dora apron...

imagine a giant
ooooozy
gooooooey
chocolatey goodness
on a flaky
delicious
crust


it was yummy

Finn "helped" this time and thoroughly enjoyed the taste testing portion (as you can see)


so

there is this cookie contest that I want to win
the grand prize is a kitchen aid mixer

I could never afford one of those...I mean, I work in social services/education and Cori is in law enforcement...we are lucky we can afford the ingredients to make the cookies with

but

I am not a patient cookie chef
really
not at all

like once all that mixing is done, I don't want to futz around with all the dropping them on the sheet and then checking them every 5 mins

basically, I am a lazy cook

so I am thinking of making chocolate chip pie cookies *like teeny versions of the pie
and
filled brownie bites
(you know...caramel, peanut butter, maybe coconut-cream cheese goodness) and then drizzle some chocolate ganache (how do you spell that?) on top with a nut or something like that


do you think those would count as cookies?