No dessert

Last night I did not make dessert.  I bought it but we didn't even eat it.  Maybe tonight.

My mind has been elsewhere, I guess.

The night before last, Finn had a big disco move...she was all Donna Summer.  I called Cori (911 operator extraordinaire) who talked me off the ledge and yesterday and today have been filled with phone calls to drs and all that that entails.

She also has learned to climb and empty shelves and, as I write, my books are being salad tossed on the floor...there goes my alphabatizing scheme (yes...I alphabatize my books by author's last name...my secret librarian coming out)

My poor baby girl
and
it breaks my mommy heart,
shatters it into slivers
of helpless questions,
hopeless indescision,
when I know her
eyes are not seeing me
and
my kisses don't make it better
and
my hugs don't stop
the twisting

what to do
what to do

and
when her eyes can see me
and her body rests in
my snuggles
and she looks at me
with
betrayal,
how could her mommy
let that happen,
why did her mommy
not make it stop

then the ache that
I thought was bigger
than me,
bigger than the moon,
I realize
that ache
was nothing
not a drop
not a speck
not a pin
of the ache I feel
now


it doesn't help  that it has been raining all day...what a blue day...or days I guess